May 20, 2006

Living together in harmony

So, you're off to university next year, or perhaps you've been there a year and you're having to move out of halls. You're going to be sharing a house with a bunch of people you vaguely know, at best. You may well be a little anxious about how things will work out; no doubt you've had the same dire warnings I got about people falling out over who pays the phone bill and who buys more or less than their fair share of washing up liquid. Never fear, help is at hand! Follow these top tips, and you'll get on famously with everyone you ever live with...

  1. Don't buy more than you have to. Don't forget, you're an impoverished student. If other people in the house are willing to buy more than their fair share of bread, milk, cheese and loo roll, let them — more fool them, after all. If people start to question whether you're really pulling your weight, stay calm. Have some justification ready, and some "facts" (don't worry about them being genuine!) about just how little bread, milk and loo roll you eat, and they'll not only accept it, but probably feel quite embarrassed that they even asked. They may even buy you presents to make up for the offence caused. You deserve them, don't ever forget how great you are.
  2. Your schedule should be their schedule. A lot of these damned layabout students like to laze about in the mornings, normally muttering something about having worked late the night before to get a coursework assignment done, or perhaps about not getting enough sleep because of the job they hold down to buy all that extra loo roll. Don't listen to them, they really are just lazy scrotes, and they're doing it on purpose. Singing loudly at 8am, or shouting to people 2 floors above you, is perfectly reasonable behaviour — think of it as doing them a favour! However, if they ever dare to make noise after your designated bed time (a very sensible 9:30pm, unless you've been allowed up specially to watch something on TV), you should be sure to let them know just how annoyed you are. Evil stares for a couple of days usually suffice, and once again they will realise your complete superiority, and practically beg you to be friends with them again.
  3. Your degree is more important than chores. Never forget that doing that Business Studies and Basketweaving degree is your lifelong dream, and you need to spend every waking minute concentrating on it, or relaxing; you can't possibly be expected to spend time on silly little things like washing up, or cleaning the house. If you do end up washing up, be sure to do as bad a job as possible, hopefully they won't ask you again. If you're very lucky, one of them might even do some of your laundry for you! If you've managed all the steps so far, you're well on the way to being the most popular guy/girl around.
  4. Your tastes are the only right options. You have way better taste than these guys. Take TV for instance. I mean, come on, they probably watch Countdown or something. Make sure you help them out by talking loudly over anything on TV they want to watch, but discourage them from talking over any of your favourite soaps — you've been working hard, harder than any of them, and you need that hour or so of escapism of an evening, before your cup of cocoa and bed. If they talk over the soaps, just be as disapproving as you can; don't worry, you are genuinely so much better than them, you'll be able to pull it off with ease.
  5. Variety is the spice of life. So, just because you've bought the cheapest coffee Aldi could sell you, don't let this stop you using someone else's Nescafe whenever you fancy a brew. Just let them know they're welcome to try your Aldi stuff any time, and it tastes just the same anyway, so what's the difference? Don't forget, this applies to all food and drink, not just coffee!
  6. Eww, rubbish! You're a cool dude, or dudette. Don't let anyone think you're the kind of person who would do stuff like empty the bin, or take the wheely bins to the street for collection. I mean, do they not have, like, maids for that? Bins are gross! (But, if you get any hostility on this one, just spend all day in your pyjamas/slippers — noone could possibly expect you to go outside then...)
  7. Shower and shower alike. Don't you just hate it when you get into the shower, and find you've run out of shower gel or shampoo? Well, sharing a house means this need never happen again! Just borrow someone else's, they won't mind — in fact, they'll totally understand! While you're there, be sure to leave the sopping wet mat on the floor afterwards; no doubt since your housemates are such slackers they'll have plenty time to pick it up when they're cleaning the bathroom later on. (Don't ever be tempted to do this yourself — what would people think!?)
  8. Going out. If you've been following all the advice so far, you'll be pretty damn popular. People are going to want you to go out and socialise with them all the time. But remember! If you give in to their demands too often, they might start to take your greatness for granted, and we can't have that. Try to limit yourself to going out with your housemates no more than once in a fortnight — that way they'll appreciate it all the more. If you have friends visiting from elsewhere, it might be convenient for you to make your rare trips out with your housemates coincide with seeing your other friends, too; think of it as making the best use of your incredibly valuable time and company! Don't worry about introducing any of your groups of friends to one another though, just get everyone together in one place and they'll get on fine — after all, if they're friends with someone as great as you, they must be great people too, right?

I hope you've enjoyed these top tips for student life! Good luck surviving the angry mob, around October or so.

Posted by James at 17:08 | Comments (2) | TrackBack
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